A Giveaway!

Hey all! Thought I'd share about a great giveaway they are having over at Generation Cedar. First, Generation Cedar is one of my favorite sites - amazing insight and resources for homeschooling, Christian living and the family. Love love love that site! Now, onto the giveaway. They are giving away gift cards to Vision Forum at visionforum.com. This site is equally amazing - amazing resources for homeschooling and the family. Books, dvds and great information. Keeping my fingers crossed that I win, because this would be a hugely helpful resource for the kids and our future of learning. Check them out, and maybe one of us will walk away a winner :)

More pictures of our new little guy :)

Asher James Murphy

born Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

8lb. 1.6oz. and 20 inches long

He's finally here!!! Welcome to the world our newest little blessing - Asher James Murphy.

On Monday Gina went to her 39 week appointment. Her midwife, Aliza, told her that she was dilated to 4 and would probably have her water break sometime that night. If not, we could come in and have her break Gina's water to get things going. The next day, we went into the hospital at noon. Aliza broke Gina's water around 1pm. Then things really picked up. Gina labored for a few hours, then began pushing a little after 3. Asher kept getting stuck behind her pelvic bone, so she was having a hard time pushing him out. But, at 3:55pm, Asher James entered the world. He was born just the way we had hoped - without any drugs or interventions, and perfectly healthy. The birth went great, and Gina is doing very well (though still recovering). We are so thankful for a healthy baby boy who is so loved already. We definitely picked the perfect name for him - Asher means "happy" and he is the most content little man. We are grateful that it all went so well, and so fast, and for great people like Aliza and our nurses who made it all go so well. We are basking in God's goodness and the beauty of this precious little boy.

Our Big Girl!

On August 6th, we celebrated Paige's 3rd birthday a few weeks early, as we were anticipating that Asher may arrive on or around her real birthday (and we were right ;). We had a very small party of just family, and we all ate brunch and celebrated our lovely Paige. It's hard to believe that she is already 3! Then again, she speaks and acts as if she were already a teenager. On her actual birthday we took her to get her ears pierced (per her request), got a milkshake and rode the carousel at the mall. She had a blast! It was just what she wanted. Paige is the most amazing little girl. She's kind, loving, vibrant, joyful, beautiful and smart. We love everything about her, and We are amazed that we get to be a part of this great adventure with her. We love you Paige Anna!!

Awaiting Asher

I am now 37 weeks pregnant, which means that we are officially full-term - Asher could come at anytime. While I am hopeful that he will arrive early, I know that he could definitely come late. I was hopeful that Paige would come early, but she arrived 10 days past her due date. Eli on the other hand arrived 5 days early. There is no way to know, but I'm hopeful :) Today I saw my midwife and I am 2+ centimeters dilated, 55% effaced and Asher is at -2 station. I am having lots of contractions and he is definitely in position. So I am going to do all I can to kickstart this labor, and hope that Asher wants to come out as badly as I want to hold him. Please pray for a fast and easy delivery, and for it to come soon. The past 34+ days straight have been over 100 degrees, and I am very ready to meet this baby boy. Hopefully we'll be updating you with a picture of new, sweet baby soon :)

1 Year

1 Year ago today our precious Sprout went to be with the Lord at 8 weeks gestation. We feel privileged to have been the parents of this little blessing, if only for a short time. We anxiously await the day we can hold our baby in our arms, and rejoice that our baby is praising Jesus in Heaven each and every day. We love you Sprout! And, the Lord willing, we will welcome our 4th baby, Asher, in the next month. We are so excited to meet him. God has truly blessed us with a beautiful family, and we are grateful for each day with them regardless of whether we get to hold them this side of heaven or not.

Buried Alive

I apologize for the serious tone to my recent posts. I do not intend to be a Debbie Downer, but lately I have been weighed down by worry. It feels like being buried alive - the feeling that everything is on top of you, you are gasping for breath, and the more that you try to claw and climb your way out the more dirt falls on your face and the farther down you slide. How do you get out of this cycle? How do you finally get your head above ground? This has been a struggle for probably the last year, but especially the last 4 months. Health stuff, family stuff, financial issues, personal and spiritual problems have all come to a head at once, and seem only to get worse with each passing day. It feels like there is no relief. We feel out of control, totally helpless in all of it. And I think that is precisely where God wants us. He wants us to realize that EVERYTHING comes from Him, and that we are capable of nothing apart from Him. We can work our fingers to the bone, but we cannot make the paycheck come. We can do our best to be healthy and proactive, but we cannot sustain life. We can give but we cannot determine the return. I think He wanted us to realize how incredibly powerless we are, and how much we have relied on ourselves, our talents, money and people when He is the only true source. I think He has been trying to strip us bare of all of our stuff - including our security, priorities and plans - to reveal to us our basic need of Him and Him alone. Just this past week I realized that I had been holding onto our home - feeling like there was no way God would ask us to give this to Him, or not have a home. Then, I remembered when Patrick and I bought this home. We were so excited. We felt so blessed and we dedicated our home to the Lord. We believed that He had given us this home and wanted to use it as a ministry to others in hospitality. We told God to do whatever He wanted in our home. Now, a few years later, I was telling God that He could not have the home I had already given Him. Wow! Talk about conviction! Suddenly I saw my home differently - not as my entitlement, or a requirement for my family to survive and thrive, but as a blessing that God had given us at His discretion. As my loving Father, He has the right to take it away at anytime if He feels so inclined. And while this may sound scary - God possibly taking away your home at anytime - it is actually true freedom. Letting go of that pressure and grabbing onto the promise that God has me in His hand is real freedom. Now I am not owned by my home, or the mortgage, or debt, or anything else that tries to grab at me. He has me and He will provide. This does not mean that I do not have a role to play - no! Just the opposite. I have a huge role to play - obedience and submission. I have to do what He has called me to do, go where He has called me to go, and give the outcome to Him. I have to trust that He is good, that He loves me and that He is in control. This is no easy feat. It requires faith, which requires hoping in things you cannot see and often lots and lots of waiting. We feel like we have been waiting far too long for an answer, but the truth is that God is never late. He knows exactly what He is doing. So, as we feel paralyzed by our circumstances and at a loss for what to do next, we wait on the Lord and trust that His ways are higher than our ways, that He is invading every aspect of our lives with His love, and that He will bring the relief at just the right time. We are now seeing that we are being buried in His grace and mercy, and that relief comes in the surrender.

When the World Caves in

Do you ever fee like the world is caving in on you? Do you ever feel like you are completely undone? That your insides have been ripped out and you are agonizingly floundering on the floor? I have come to know that feeling pretty well. I sit here, completely undone before the Lord. I feel like Job, sitting on my heap of ashes, dressed in sackcloth, scraping my boils with broken pottery as people tell me to just curse God and die. That's really tempting. I mean, how can a loving and just God sit around and do nothing as I sit and suffer? How can He sit back on His big comfortable throne and watch as people who love and follow Him are in agony? He must be pretty despicable to be able to do that, especially to people He supposedly loves. But, much like Job, I cannot and will not curse God and die. I can only say that I know that my Redeemer lives. Can I expect only blessings from God and not curses? Even if He were that awful tyrant, He would still deserve my praise. If He made everything and was all powerful and did not love me at all, He would deserve praise because of Who He is. Yet, that is not true. He is all powerful, and all knowing; the beginning and the end; the author and finisher of my faith; the very definition and origin of love; the only One who knows the entire story. He has me in His hand, even if all of the circumstance have stopped from seeing that that is exactly where I am. He is not far, but inside, outside, above, below, encircling every part. I just see the temporal, while He sees the finite and infinite. He wrote the story, and I am only playing a part. When He answers Job, He does so with a series of questions - where were you when I put the stars in their place? Told the oceans to come only so far? Hung the heavens, and created the earth? Where were you? How did I do it? You think the One who causes seasons and has a purpose for every plant, leaf, insect and animal is unaware of what's going on with His own children? Of course I am paraphrasing, but if you have never read that interaction - you should. We forget when we are battling the big scary monsters of this big scary world how very small all of it is in comparison to Him. We forget about His glory when we're met with struggles and confusion. We forget about His love, faithfulness and goodness when we're staring death and mourning in the face. But they are still there. Our circumstances don't change Him. Let me say that again (because I need to hear it) - our circumstances don't change Him. He is not scared by the threat of war. He is not worried over unemployment, the crashing dollar or the impending financial collapse. He is not intimidated by dictators or tyrants. He does not flinch at death. Nothing is a surprise to Him, and nothing is beyond His power or control. Why does He allow this suffering? - Because He is good. That doesn't make sense! How can suffering come from good? Because He sees what we don't. He knows what we could never fathom. I have often said that God sees everything at once from every perspective, while we can only see from our 2 small eyes and biased perception. He has a plan, and we are part of it. I am grasping for the Lord right now as my family faces yet another gut wrenching, horribly painful, and seemingly unfair trial. We are faced once again, in less than a year, with death and pain and heartbreak. We pray and believe for miracles, yet God seems to be silent. This is not true. God is not silent. He is lovingly rocking us in His arms as He strokes our hair and asks us to trust Him yet again. It's a struggle to trust Him, even when we know all of this about Him. It's a struggle to see through the pain and tears to His love and goodness. But that is faith, right? - Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb. 11:1). So, I am sure that God is there, and certain that He is loving us and caring for us. I am hoping for a miracle and clinging to His truth. No matter the outcome of this trial - life or death, rejoicing or mourning - I will praise Him, because He is worthy of my praise. I will trust Him, because He is the only One I can run to. I will follow Him, because He is the only truth.

Wandering in the Wilderness

I have been living in Texas now for 4 years. 4 years! That is crazy to me. It feels like yesterday that Patrick and I left behind our little Yorba Linda townhouse and trekked through the desert to our new home. Yet, the 4 years here has been so full of stuff that it seems like decades that we have been here. Strange how that happens. Much like my dad's death feels like a hundred years ago, but at the same time it feels like I just spoke to him yesterday. These 4 years in some ways have been excruciatingly long. The number 1 place I have felt the drain of time has been in my walk with Christ. Moving here was definitely something that God had planned for us. Neither Patrick nor I have doubted for 1 second that God called us here. The month before we left Patrick was offered the position he had dreamed about. He was offered to work with and under the man he admired more than any other person in the world, for a place that felt like home, and with people that he considered family. He was offered the position that he had left Colorado in the hopes of one day achieving. At the same time, he was offered a position at a company that had treated him unfairly, with people he did not know, in an area that was one of the worst in the country for his department. We prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But it was clear - we were being called to Texas. We were being called out of and away from the people we loved in California, and the ministry we both felt called to. We were nervous and sad as we left behind our biggest hopes for the future, but so excited to see what God was calling us to in Texas. I mean, we had given up our hearts desire, so God must be replacing that with something completely amazing, right? Well... it didn't appear so. After 4 years in Texas we are still wondering why we are here. After 4 years at the same church, we still don't feel like we belong. After 4 years of putting ourselves out there we have no real friends. I have no one I know in Texas that I have ever called to have a conversation with. No one. Now I don't want to sound ungrateful or not take time to show all the good things that have come here - my entire family now lives here (which is the biggest blessing on earth), we bought a house, had 4 babies (2 here, 1 in heaven, and 1 still cooking), and have met some incredible people that we dearly love and admire. But it still feels in many ways like we're just passing through. Perhaps the absolute worst part of all of it is that in the entire time I have lived here I have felt very distant from God. I have prayed, fasted, read my Bible daily, gone to Bible study - done all of the stuff. Yet He seems silent. I feel like I am the only one talking, and He has grown weary of listening. In my head, I know this is totally untrue. I know that He cares for me, and loves me and listens to me, and is for me not against me. I see the ways He has provided for me, even in miraculous ways. I know all of this... in my head. But my heart, well my heart feels abandoned. My heart feels like God lead me out here and left me to fend for myself. I feel lost. I work everyday to try to do the things I feel He has laid on my heart, but I feel like I hit walls at every turn. I know that we have an enemy and that he is real and working to ruin and thwart every thing God is doing in our lives. I know that the world is not my true home and that things here are going to be bad and unfair at times. I know all of that... in my head. Yet my heart looks at my time here and recalls over 6 months of depression that I endured without a single person noticing I was struggling. My heart recalls losing my dad and watching my mom continue to mourn and struggle. My heart recalls laying on a hospital bed crying uncontrollably after losing my child. My heart recalls praying for Isaac to be born alive and then holding his beautiful lifeless body, and watching my sister have her heart torn out as she grieved her child. My heart recalls Patrick losing the job he had due to people lying and cheating, and causing us financial hardship. My heart sees all of the struggle we have every single day with finances, no matter how much we tithe, how many hours Patrick works, or how much I cut back and take on to save money. My heart sees us striving to be obedient and diligent and grateful, yet still not feeling God anywhere in the room. I know that God is real. I know that God is with me. I have met Him face to face. I have felt His hand on my shoulder as I cried, and I have no doubt that He is sovereign and I will continue to praise Him and follow Him even if I never feel Him again. I have never been angry with Him over losing my dad or Sprout or Isaac. I have trusted Him with all of that, and I know that they are in His hands. I don't want to sound like I'm doubting Him or walking away. That is the farthest thing from what I am doing. I am simply trying to convey with words the way my heart feels. I am trying to press in and grow closer to Him, and feel His presence in the midst of the storm. Yet I feel like a person in a dark room, with my hands stretched out trying to grasp for anything and finding nothing. I know He's there. I can hear Him breathing. But right now, I can't find Him. And I know that He has allowed this for a purpose, a good purpose. I know that He is using this time in my own desert to teach me to be patient, and trust Him, and follow Him unconditionally. I know that... in my head. But my heart yearns to feel my daddy turn and hold me tight and stroke my hair and tell me that He is here to chase away the monsters, and that has it all under control.

The BEST News!!

So what is better than expecting another baby? Sharing that experience with people that you love. When I posted that we were expecting our 3rd child, and 2nd son, I mentioned that I would be sharing even more exciting news in the future. Now I am FINALLY able to share the incredible news. Both of my sisters are pregnant! Annette and Alyssa are both now entering their 2nd trimester! YAY!!! All 3 of us are pregnant together! Does it get any better? This fall there will 3 new little babies all born within about a month and a half of each other. What a blessing. So if you think of it, please pray for our very blessed, and fertile, family :)

It's a Boy!

On Tuesday morning we had the first, and possibly last sonogram of our little Tater Tot. He is healthy and active and, well, a HE! Our precious little one is most definitely a boy, and we have the pictures to prove it. He jumped all over the place, trying to hide from the camera. He covered his face with his hands acting shy and even turned and looked directly at the camera and opened his mouth. He was very annoyed at all of the attention. It was such a sweet time for Patrick and I. Is there anything better than witnessing the miracle of life? Here is a tiny precious person jumping around inside of my belly, with a personality and fingers and toes and eyelashes. It's crazy! We saw his brain and his kidneys and his spine and his sweet face. Every part of him is perfect. How can God weave together something so perfect in such a small space? It truly is miraculous, and brings tears to my eyes as I think about it. This wonderful boy is the very creation of God, being knit together as we speak inside of me by the God of the universe. I am so excited to hold him and kiss him and love on him. I can hardly wait to see his precious face. I feel very privileged to be housing this gift, for as long as God allows me.

And in the midst of all the joy, today I was overcome with a longing for my precious Sprout. I believe he was a boy, although it was too soon to tell. I know that he is running and jumping in heaven. And I often envision him sitting on my dad's shoulders, holding hands with my nephew Isaac as they joyfully sing praises to the Lord. I can almost see him in my mind, but not quite. One day I will see him and hold him and smother him with kisses. But today I just miss him and feel the empty place at the table that will never be filled. I am overjoyed at the thought of my little man inside me, and even more excited for the day my entire family can be together praising our Lord.

No Greater Work on Earth

Are you where you'd thought you'd be 5 years ago? 5 years ago I was a newly engaged young kindergarten teacher who couldn't wait for my life to start. I was in the midst of planning the wedding of my dreams, working hard and trying to figure out what it meant to be a wife. Now, 5 years later, many things have changed. In many ways I am right where I'd thought I'd be - married to my love and staying home with my babies. In other ways I am very surprised that this is where I am. I never thought that I would be living in Texas, or that I'd be living without my dad already, that I would have lost a baby or buried a nephew. I never thought I would struggle with anger or worry this much about money. I never thought that marriage would be such a rollercoaster of emotions, or that babies would be this much work. The world paints a picture through movies, magazines and books that when you find "the right one" everything becomes sunshine and lollipops. The perfect mate would never make me cry, understand all of my needs without being told, and our perfect children would be sweet, loving and disciplined. But I was looking through the lens of someone who knew nothing of life. I had never really had to care for myself before, and definitely never had the entire well-being and training of someone else to consider. My life was my own, and in my selfish worldview everyone was here for my enjoyment, pleasure and benefit. Then I got married. And had kids. Suddenly what I wanted wasn't the most important thing. I was forced to consider others above myself. And you know what? It was hard. And it was wonderful. This life of service to my family has become my ministry. I have learned so much more about myself in this process than any other thing I have done. I have learned of my very sinful nature and great need for grace. I have learned how very weak I am and how very strong my God is. I have learned that the moments when I put the Lord first and foremost, and serve others are the moments I am truly happy. And I have learned that the moments that I think of myself, worry about my comfort and consider myself first that I am miserable. So opposite of what the world preaches, huh? We are told to take time for ourselves, love ourselves, and make sure that we're happy. While those suggestions sound nice, they really point us to a selfish life. We are to make ourselves happy first and then serve others? Where exactly in the Bible is that? Where do you see Jesus telling someone that He'd love to heal them, but He's on His way for some quiet time and He'll catch them later? You don't. Because the life that Jesus modeled for us, and the life that He calls us to is one of service. It is a life in which we are to lay down our lives for our brothers, consider others better than ourselves and follow the Lord regardless of the threat to ourselves. What I see today with so many families is an unwillingness to put someone else first. It seems most people have gotten their marriage counsel from Cosmo rather than the Bible. People expect to "have it all" and all right now. It seems that no one is willing to do the hard work required. People want good children, but don't want to discipline. People want a close family while handing their kids off to daycare providers 12 hours a day, sports practice, and then in front of the TV without really having a conversation with them. Why are we surprised that families are falling apart when no one is willing to make hard choices or make their families a priority? How can a marriage survive when both the husband and the wife are never home, or spend any time together? How can a child feel loved and wanted when shipped off each day to strangers while mom and dad do "more important work?" While I understand that there are times when people have no choice, the overwhelming majority of people who work insane hours and send their kids off to others are simply looking for more money, a nicer car, a bigger house or more toys. This probably sounds like very harsh judgment, but really I am coming from a place of true heartbreak. I watch as people I love make choices based on their emotions and desire to feel "happy" or have a "better life" while tearing apart their families and their lives. I watch as more and more people buy into the lie that what you do for a living is more important than who you love. I watch as dads pass on their responsibility and subsequent joy to others, and while mothers act as though their precious children are nothing more than a giant nuisance. This breaks my heart. I ache for these people who are making choices based on fear of missing something or the lies that a better life lies outside their own 4 walls. I want them to have all the joy and peace that comes from a heart submitted to the Lord and serving others. I want them to reap the benefits of the hard work of living for your family. I'm sorry for the rant, but all too often I have been hearing of people wondering what happened to their families when they walked away from them years before. 5 years ago I was believing the lie that the family that I hoped for and dreamed of would just happen in the right circumstances. Now, by the grace of God, I have learned that I have a big role to play, and a lot of work to do. These relationships won't just happen - they require tender care, the counsel of the Lord, dying to myself and my sinful desire and service. But there is no greater work on earth!

And then there were 3...

So... it's been a VERY long time since I updated this blog. Wow! A very long time. Sorry about that. It's been a crazy 6 months - full of extreme heart break, great blessings and a lot of learning through the struggles. I'm not going to try to fill in these lost 6 months for those of you who do not know me or my family - it would just be far too much stuff, and a lot of painful things that are not truly mine to share. So, instead, I have decided to pick up from right at this moment. And right at this moment I am sitting as Paige and Elijah are taking a nice nap. Paige is now 2 1/2 years old. She is so full of life, energy and love. I just love listening to her talk, which she does constantly. She only stops when she's sleeping and eating (most of the time ;). Elijah is now 16 months old. He is running all over, climbing and being such a little boy. Everything he does is so boy, and I love to watch him explore and learn and have such joy over all the things he discovers. Patrick is doing great, working hard and looking good, as always. And me, well... I am 15 weeks pregnant. That's right, we're pregnant!!! YAY!!! This may sound crazy to some of you who know that this will be my 4th pregnancy in 3 years, but we are thrilled. In fact, I did the math and realized that out of the past 39 months I have been pregnant a total of 26 months. Wow! This sweet precious baby is due in late August, right around Paige's birthday. So, we will have a newly turned 3 year old, 22 month old and a newborn at the end of the summer, Lord willing. It will be a lot of work, and a lot of fun. I am so excited for this baby. I have already started getting excited as I envision being in the hospital holding this precious gift. I think I am even more excited after losing Sprout and the events of the past 6 months. I realize what a gift this baby is and how preciously fragile life truly is. I am so thankful to thus far have had a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, and the kids are so excited. They ask about the baby every day and rub my tummy to say hi to him/her. I even felt the baby move (you know, those butterfly feelings) for the first time last week. God is truly good, and we are trusting Him with this baby and with all of the provision we will need to get through this season. So, that's our update. In the coming weeks/ months I will be sharing a lot more exciting news, but for now we are rejoicing in the gift of our little Tater Tot Murphy. Praise God!!

The Worst (Best) Summer of My Life

"I think we have lost the old knowledge that happiness is overrated - that, in a way, life is overrated. We have lost, somehow a sense of mystery - about us, our purpose, our meaning, our role. Our ancestors believed in 2 worlds, and understood this to be the solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short one. We are the first generations of man that actually expected to find happiness here on earth, and our search for it caused such - unhappiness. The reason: if you don't believe in another, higher world, if you believe only in the flat material world around you, if you believe that this is your only chance at happiness - if that is what you believe, then you are not disappointed when the world does not give you a good measure of its riches - you are despairing." - Peggy Noonan

This has been the worst summer of my life. That is quite a statement for me to make, I mean I really hate throwing around words like best and worst. I know that it could always be worse than it is and that so many more people have things much harder than I to deal with. But for me, this statement is true. I don't know that it will be the worst summer of my life in 30 years, but up 'til now it reigns supreme. Losing the baby was awful. It was so much harder than I imagined it could be in so many different ways, and yet it was not nearly as hard as I had imagined in other ways. Ya know? I am still going to the doctor every week, or every other week to have my HCG levels checked because I am not yet back to zero. I have to pay for every single test, every single week. I also am not exactly healthy yet since the miscarriage. Beyond losing my baby, there have been a myriad of other nice little problems that have reared their ugly head. The bills from the hospital that keep coming in (who knew seeing a PA for not quite 30 minutes could cost so much money?), the kids testing boundaries and deciding that screaming is the best form of communication and attacks on my marriage the likes of which I never thought possible. Wow! If this world was supposed to be the place I found my happiness I would sure be despairing right about now. But I am so thankful that it is not. I am so thankful that I know I don't belong here. How did C.S. Lewis put it- we're living in "enemy-occupied territory"? And it feels like that enemy has built his base on my front lawn! But in the midst of the darkness, the pain and the grief I have - joy. What? Joy? Does that even make sense? No, it doesn't. Though it may not always show, and though I am hurting and grieving and struggling with all of the pain from all of the blows the enemy is throwing at me and my family, underneath it all I have peace and joy. I know that I know that I know that God loves me. I know that He has a plan for me. And I know that He has called me His own, His child, His heir, His beloved. And because He has called me He will work all of this together for my good. We often think that belonging to Him is some sort of security policy - I'll follow God and be a good person and nothing bad will ever happen to me; He'll look out for me and protect me because I am such an asset to Him; He doesn't let bad things happen to good people. I guess we've never really read and understood the Bible then, or we've believed others words over the Lord's because the Bible says the exact opposite of that. Ever heard of Job? He was faithful to God, a good man - so much so that God was bragging about him. He endured so much pain and all just to test his loyalty. What about David, the man after God's own heart? - He hid in caves avoiding death for years, lost his wife and his best friend before he was able to take hold of his God-given throne. Paul - stoned, beaten, ship-wrecked, starved - all after he chose to follow Christ. The list goes on and on, topped with Jesus, God's own son. Jesus told us that in this world we will have trouble, not might but will. But to take heart, for He has overcome the world. But our hope is not in this world. Our lives don't end when we stop breathing, in fact, they are truly just beginning. So as I take stock of my worst summer I am grateful. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to get pregnant and the knowledge that He has my baby in Heaven. So many women lose a child or abort their baby thinking that it is the end, and there is nothing to look forward to. How hard to have to say a permanent goodbye with no hope. I am grateful that my children are healthy and strong-willed. Even though it is hard to train and teach them, it is how God made them and part of what makes them special, and part of what they will need to accomplish the plans and purposes He has called them to. Although the bills are high, they could be much higher. I could have had to stay in the hospital for weeks, and Patrick could be unemployed so we would have no way of paying for them. Although it is hard to go back each week, each time I am greeted by a wonderful staff whom I trust and the news is better each time. And though my marriage has been hit hard by the enemy, we are growing closer because of it. We are turning toward each other and toward God as a couple in a way that we never have before. I believe with all of my heart that this awful summer is going to be one of the biggest blessings we have ever received. God allows us to go through these things and we can respond one of 2 ways - turn to Him, or away from Him. He will be glorified with or without us. The men of faith I mentioned earlier all chose to follow God in the hard times, and all of them received a far greater reward for their faithfulness than the pain that they endured. We can choose to praise Him though we don't understand, or we can go our own way and look for answers in other places. But let me save you some searching - He is the only way to peace. He is the only freedom. Every other way offers you some joy or peace or escape, but it really just ensnares you with a taste of those things, followed by a lifetime of bondage. We all have our struggles, and maybe you read my problems and laugh because they are nothing compared to yours. But God is big enough for the biggest problems and small enough to care about the littlest annoyances. He wants them all. He wants all of me. He wants all of you. So as I look back on this summer and see the hand of God in it all, I may have to change my opening statement - this may just be the best summer of my life.

Horribly Beautiful

I am emerging from some of the worst weeks of my life. On Saturday, July 17th, we lost our 3rd child. I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant, and we were waiting a few more weeks to share the news with everyone. This pregnancy was unexpected, but so exciting. In fact we called the baby our little miracle because we had taken every precaution not to get pregnant and still found ourselves expecting this precious baby. We were thrilled to have a new little baby on the way, due in February and making us the parents of 3 babies under 3. But on Wednesday, July 14th, I started having issues. I tried not to worry, as this can be very normal. But it wasn't normal for me. The issues continued on and off until Saturday, when it got much worse. Patrick and I hurried to the ER, where it was confirmed that I had been having a miscarriage for the past few days. It was awful, horrible, scary and heart-breaking. The worst thing I have ever gone through. We spent 6 hours at the hospital mourning the loss of our little child, scared and hurting. We came home and tried to mourn and comfort one another. Patrick was amazing, my hero in all of this. I was so proud of his strength and his compassion. I love him so much more after all of this. But the nightmare didn't stop there. After enduring what felt like my heart being ripped out we were met with ridiculous bills, more doctor appointments, and the following Thursday a scary prognosis. I got a call saying that the lab tech had found that my pregnancy was a molar pregnancy. This means that some sort of mass overtook my baby and was growing inside my uterus. It happens in 1/1000 pregnancies, always results in miscarriage, and requires a year of no pregnancy and monthly doctor visits to ensure that the mole does not return. Then the lady said something about precancerous cells. What?! Talk about scary. I went from one day excitedly expecting my third child to losing a baby and possibly a condition? No! As soon as the spotting started I felt very strongly that it was an attack from the enemy. Now I know that it was. He is trying to scare me and my family, and I say no. After 4 days of no answers and lots of prayer and worry, I met with my doctors who told me that my placenta overtook my baby, that it was all completely gone, no worry of cancer and that as soon as my HCG levels (pregnancy hormones in the blood) go back to normal pre-pregnancy levels I am fine to try again whenever I like. As of today my levels are almost to 0. Thank you Jesus! This whole ordeal has been horribly beautiful. It may seem strange for me to say that, but in the really awful times we can see God so clearly. The distractions have faded away and it is just Him and I. He provided for me and cared for me so gently and so lovingly in this that I feel so blessed to have endured it. Mind you, I would much rather be 11 weeks pregnant with my sweet baby, but I know that my little miracle is in the arms of Jesus awaiting my arrival. And throughout every moment of the miscarriage, the diagnosis, the scary waiting, worries, stressing over money and the awful things said by some hospital staff, God was there and loving me. He held my hand and gently guided my every step. The day that I lost the baby, I asked God what He had to say about my situation - would I lose the baby or not? I opened my Bible and it fell to Isaiah 51 and on the side was written the hymn Be Still My Soul. It spoke of the Lord being on my side and with me through suffering and loss. It was 5 minutes later that my miscarriage began. He allowed me to feel absolutely no pain throughout all of it, not at the hospital, not before or after. He gave me strength in the days of not knowing if I might have precancerous cells and require surgery to remove them by bringing loving family to pray over me continually and sweet notes from the few friends that Patrick had shared our heartbreak with. He allowed Patrick and I to become so much closer in all of this and taught us to treasure every second with our babies, because we are not promised one moment together or that we will always be healthy. He caused the hospital to negotiate bills with us and gave us unexpected money to pay for it. He made me grateful for my ability to bear children and hopeful about the many more we hope to have. He gave me compassion for the lost and misguided nurse who tried to console me by calling my precious child a mere piece of tissue that was not a living being. He showed me how carefully he knits each one of us together so perfectly and intricately and lovingly. He took care of little details like allowing it to all happen on a Saturday when Patrick was home, for us to leave while the kids were napping so they didn't have to see me crying, and at a time when my mom was able to watch them for the 6 hours we were at the hospital. He took care of everything. And though my heart is so broken and I miss this little baby that I have yet to truly meet, I feel like my broken heart is in the arms of the Father who is piecing it back together with so much care and love, and that He has enlarged it for me. I worried about sharing all of this in such a public way. But our little baby Sprout counted. That baby had a four chambered heart that was beating and little fingers and toes that were just forming. My baby was alive, no matter for one day in my womb or 30 years, no matter what nurse Donna says. On a side note, I feel a huge burden for Donna. She has been so lied to and I think I will forever be praying for her. I wanted to share the story of our Sprout because I didn't want to act as if this person, this tiny little miracle didn't exist. My baby has been in the arms of the Savior for his/her entire life. And though I will not hold my baby this side of Heaven, this sweet baby has fulfilled his/her God-given purpose. This little one brought our family closer to each other and to our Lord. And I am convinced that more will come from the short but wonderful life of this baby in the years to come. I think about my Sprout everyday, and I am excited for the day we will finally meet. Heaven just got that much sweeter.

Another Great Giveaway!

Please excuse this interruption of the Completing Him Challenge posts for a very fun post! There is a giveaway over at www.passionatehomemaking.com, and I am so excited. They are giving away an Excalibur Food Dehydrator worth $150. Wow! This would be an amazing thing to win, and I'm praying that maybe I might just be the one to win it. If not, maybe it could be you. Run on over to www.passionatehomemaking.com and enter the giveaway. If you're not interested in the giveaway go on over there anyway. I LOVE this website! It is chock full of great recipes, advice and information on eating healthy, living better and pursuing a godly home. Love, love, love this site. Thanks! I'll let you know if I win. Cross your finger for me :)

Admiration

This week's assignment in the Completing Him Challenge is to list things you admire about your husband. Patrick is such an amazing man that this is not hard at all :).

1. Patrick is one of the hardest working men I know. I can count on 1 hand the number of times he's called in sick, and they are always because I make him. He is so devoted that he has actually thrown up at work numerous times and not come home. He never leaves the job undone, shorthanded, or without giving it 100% all of the time.

2. Patrick is loyal to a fault. Patrick will stand up for you, protect you and stand by your side no matter what once you have entered his circle of friends. He never loses contact with people no matter how far away or how long it's been since they've seen each other. He is even loyal to jobs and bosses. When he was being mistreated at his former job, he stayed loyal to the company and his boss. He gave his very best up until his last second there.

3. He is teachable. I am a stubborn and often very proud woman. I take criticism, even constructive criticism, hard and shut off when offended. Patrick listens to those he respects when they criticize, point out something or call him out. He does not get angry or bitter, but instead seeks help to remedy the situation. When he was struggling for a good, godly male role model he sought them out and went to them for advice, and then really applied it. If Patrick respects you, he listens and he truly learns in a way I have never seen before.

4. He loves the unlovable. I would be a prime example of this on many a day. He often comes home to an exhausted and annoyed wife, but he still looks forward to seeing me. He also seeks out the kids that most people have written off. When he worked in the youth group he was in charge of the kids that no one else wanted. He was able to speak into their lives and see real change that no one else thought was possible. They respected him and loved him because they knew that he saw them for who they really were and not their list of failures.

5. Patrick is so smart. He does math in his head so fast, remembers everything and can figure things out with little help. He is always correcting my poor memory. He is very logical and see things in black and white so much better than I can.

6. He is generous. Patrick loves to have people in our home - to feed them, keep them here and give them the very best of our time, love and stuff. He is the first one to contribute to people asking for money for missions or other ministries. But, he is not foolish and does not squander money on things he does not believe in.

7. He is unashamedly himself. He does not apologize for who he is. He does not let others determine what he likes or does. He often has liked things that others find obscure, but rather than hiding it or losing interest at the mocking of others, he merely proudly displays his preference. In the end, the people that tease him are often swayed to his side.

8. He is a wonderful father. He loves our babies with all he has and is excited to see them every day. Every night before they go to bed he makes sure to tell each of them how much he loves them, how proud he is of them, how talented they are, and all of things he admires in each of them. It is such a gift to watch him love on them, play with them and be the amazing father I knew he would be.

9. He is a fantastic husband. Patrick has done the most thoughtful things for me, takes care of me so well and is always striving to love me more. He will never give up on us or quit on me. He works so hard to provide for us and never complains about the long hours, the lack of respect, all the pressure or the little pay. He gives it his all every single day. He always wants to spoil me and the kids, and truly we are spoiled with all that he does for us and the way that he loves us. He allowed me to stay home without any complaints when we had no children, when we had little to no income and when everyone else told him he was nuts to have a wife not working. Though he had never seen a woman stay home successfully, he trusted me to do it. He trusts me with the money, our kids, our home and his heart every day and never makes demands. I could go on and on, but he is simply the best husband around.

10. He is a godly man. Patrick is so willing to go anywhere and do anything for Jesus. He is sold out, and follows even when he doesn't understand. I am so proud of his heart and the way that he seeks to always be pointing people to Jesus.

This is just a small list of the wonderful qualities that Patrick possesses. If you don't know him, I suggest you get to know him for your own benefit. He is truly wonderful. I love you honey!

To Have and to Hold

Sorry, this post is later than I had planned. I had a hard time uploading photos of our wedding day. Anyway, I thought that I would share our engagement story and then some photos. Patrick and I had been dating about a year and half and I knew that the proposal was imminent. On Friday, I had lunch with my dear friend Ruth Henderson at work and she asked me what my dream proposal would look like. I told her I wanted it to be just Patrick and I (as we were never alone), that it would be simple and that he would get down on 1 knee and tell me loved me and ask me to marry him. Patrick and I had vowed not to say I love you until we were engaged and it would be the first time either one of us had said that to anyone (in that way :). The next day, on Saturday, March 11th, Patrick came over to my house. It was a rainy day and we were trying to decide what to do. My parents had gone to Texas to visit my sister and my younger sister Alyssa and I were home together. Alyssa was on the phone upstairs as Patrick and I sat on the couch trying to decide where we should go. He was acting strange - nervous and I could feel his heart pounding from where I was sitting. He told me he had an 11th gift for me in his pocket. He got me a little or big something on the 11th of every month to celebrate the day we started dating. I asked him what it was and he pulled out a box. I got very excited, and then said, "that better not be earrings." He joked back and said, "it better be what you think it is." He handed me the box, and as I opened it he got down on both of his knees and told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and asked me to marry him. I said yes and asked him to repeat the I love you over and over again. We kissed and I ran up to show Alyssa. Then we called everybody we knew. I found out later that he had asked my dad several weeks before for permission, and he had had the ring for some time, trying to figure out the the perfect way to ask me. He was going to do something big and flashy and worried that I would be disappointed at his simple proposal. Little did he know that it was the way I dreamed of.

6 months later, on September 9, 2006, I became Mrs. Patrick Murphy. We married at the Anaheim Golf Course on a perfectly beautiful day. I had my sisters and good friend stand beside me, along with my family and closest friends. It was a wonderful day followed by a fantastic honeymoon in Costa Rica. It was the beginning of a fabulous adventure together. The vows we said that day I said with all of my heart, and I am still trying to live them out. Though I believe them and try to live them, they are difficult. To honor someone 24 hours a day? That's not as easy as it sounds on your wedding day. It's hard to cherish someone when you've got 2 screaming babies, a barking dog and you are both exhausted. Yet this is what I promised to do. This is the covenant I entered with Patrick and with God. So I have to do my best each day. I admit I have failed greatly many, many days. But I pray that we both learn to love one another better each day as we grow together. As Patrick says, almost 4 years married - all the rest to go!

In the Beginning...

Well... this wonderful journey of the Murphy 4 all began 6 years ago, on July 11th, 2004. A year prior, Patrick and I had met at the Vineyard Anaheim VBS - he was a helper with the 5th - 6th graders that I was in charge of. For a year we remained simply friends - I dated someone else and he moved back to Colorado for school. When he moved, I wasn't sure that we would ever see each other again, but God had a different plan. Around March Patrick randomly texted me, and it happened to be the same week that I had broken up with my boyfriend. We began a casual correspondence that was nothing more than friends. Then, Patrick returned from Colorado on Memorial Day weekend and we saw each other for the first time at the church's Memorial Day picnic. We started spending some time together - we met for a movie, he texted me A LOT, he even came over and spent time with my family. After a few weeks of his pursuit, and me seeing his amazing heart, it finally happened. After night church on July 11th, I manuevered my way into getting him to take me home. We sat in the church parking lot in his white Jeep for hours talking and ended up kissing. That was it! We were a couple. 2 weeks later I left for a missions trip to Thailand and he gave me a bag full of thoughtful gifts for my trip, including a questionnaire for me to fill out so he could get to know me better while I was gone. He went out of his way to spend time with me as much as possible, even though he worked 12 hour days at 24 hour fitness, taught tennis on his day off and volunteered with the youth at church. He amazed me at the way he made me a priority. He spoiled me with gifts to celebrate every month we were together. We were able to go through a lot together as we dated - a mission trip together to Thailand, meeting each other's family's and a lot of church events. We discussed marriage from the very beginning. Neither one of us believed in casual dating, and we talked about the hard stuff right off the bat. I was so impressed with his heart. He loved the unlovable - he was always taking care of the hard kids at church and inviting people to church from work. He was so teachable - something I am severely lacking - as he found men he respected and sought their advice, and actually applied it. He was so thoughtful and loving to me, and spent a lot of time getting to know my family. He had such a heart for the Lord and was always seeking His will, serving Him and others and was so willing to go anywhere at anytime for God. I still love his heart the most. He is smart, handsome, kind, a hard worker, loyal, honest, has the most amazing smile, the sweetest laugh, is the most wonderful dad and husband I have ever seen, but it's his heart that still makes mine skip a beat the most. Before we got together, I had been heartbroken over the last relationship I was in and I was scared to give my heart away. I told God that He would hold my heart, and that He would have to give it the the man He chose for me. When we had been together a few months I was praying and I felt God tell me that He had given my heart to Patrick, and that I could trust him with it. He's had it ever since. I could go on and on with stories of us dating and what an amazing boyfriend he was, but I will spare you. I think the best part of our dating relationship was how fearless we were. We were so ready to go anywhere and do anything as a couple. We were willing to move and be uncomfortable, and I think that it something that we have lost a little since. But, maybe we can regain that? We'll see. Stay tuned, our love story continues next week!

Joining the Challenge

I am a little late in joining the Completing Him Challenge, but I'm excited to participate. Should be interesting :) Stay tuned for more