No Greater Work on Earth

Are you where you'd thought you'd be 5 years ago? 5 years ago I was a newly engaged young kindergarten teacher who couldn't wait for my life to start. I was in the midst of planning the wedding of my dreams, working hard and trying to figure out what it meant to be a wife. Now, 5 years later, many things have changed. In many ways I am right where I'd thought I'd be - married to my love and staying home with my babies. In other ways I am very surprised that this is where I am. I never thought that I would be living in Texas, or that I'd be living without my dad already, that I would have lost a baby or buried a nephew. I never thought I would struggle with anger or worry this much about money. I never thought that marriage would be such a rollercoaster of emotions, or that babies would be this much work. The world paints a picture through movies, magazines and books that when you find "the right one" everything becomes sunshine and lollipops. The perfect mate would never make me cry, understand all of my needs without being told, and our perfect children would be sweet, loving and disciplined. But I was looking through the lens of someone who knew nothing of life. I had never really had to care for myself before, and definitely never had the entire well-being and training of someone else to consider. My life was my own, and in my selfish worldview everyone was here for my enjoyment, pleasure and benefit. Then I got married. And had kids. Suddenly what I wanted wasn't the most important thing. I was forced to consider others above myself. And you know what? It was hard. And it was wonderful. This life of service to my family has become my ministry. I have learned so much more about myself in this process than any other thing I have done. I have learned of my very sinful nature and great need for grace. I have learned how very weak I am and how very strong my God is. I have learned that the moments when I put the Lord first and foremost, and serve others are the moments I am truly happy. And I have learned that the moments that I think of myself, worry about my comfort and consider myself first that I am miserable. So opposite of what the world preaches, huh? We are told to take time for ourselves, love ourselves, and make sure that we're happy. While those suggestions sound nice, they really point us to a selfish life. We are to make ourselves happy first and then serve others? Where exactly in the Bible is that? Where do you see Jesus telling someone that He'd love to heal them, but He's on His way for some quiet time and He'll catch them later? You don't. Because the life that Jesus modeled for us, and the life that He calls us to is one of service. It is a life in which we are to lay down our lives for our brothers, consider others better than ourselves and follow the Lord regardless of the threat to ourselves. What I see today with so many families is an unwillingness to put someone else first. It seems most people have gotten their marriage counsel from Cosmo rather than the Bible. People expect to "have it all" and all right now. It seems that no one is willing to do the hard work required. People want good children, but don't want to discipline. People want a close family while handing their kids off to daycare providers 12 hours a day, sports practice, and then in front of the TV without really having a conversation with them. Why are we surprised that families are falling apart when no one is willing to make hard choices or make their families a priority? How can a marriage survive when both the husband and the wife are never home, or spend any time together? How can a child feel loved and wanted when shipped off each day to strangers while mom and dad do "more important work?" While I understand that there are times when people have no choice, the overwhelming majority of people who work insane hours and send their kids off to others are simply looking for more money, a nicer car, a bigger house or more toys. This probably sounds like very harsh judgment, but really I am coming from a place of true heartbreak. I watch as people I love make choices based on their emotions and desire to feel "happy" or have a "better life" while tearing apart their families and their lives. I watch as more and more people buy into the lie that what you do for a living is more important than who you love. I watch as dads pass on their responsibility and subsequent joy to others, and while mothers act as though their precious children are nothing more than a giant nuisance. This breaks my heart. I ache for these people who are making choices based on fear of missing something or the lies that a better life lies outside their own 4 walls. I want them to have all the joy and peace that comes from a heart submitted to the Lord and serving others. I want them to reap the benefits of the hard work of living for your family. I'm sorry for the rant, but all too often I have been hearing of people wondering what happened to their families when they walked away from them years before. 5 years ago I was believing the lie that the family that I hoped for and dreamed of would just happen in the right circumstances. Now, by the grace of God, I have learned that I have a big role to play, and a lot of work to do. These relationships won't just happen - they require tender care, the counsel of the Lord, dying to myself and my sinful desire and service. But there is no greater work on earth!

And then there were 3...

So... it's been a VERY long time since I updated this blog. Wow! A very long time. Sorry about that. It's been a crazy 6 months - full of extreme heart break, great blessings and a lot of learning through the struggles. I'm not going to try to fill in these lost 6 months for those of you who do not know me or my family - it would just be far too much stuff, and a lot of painful things that are not truly mine to share. So, instead, I have decided to pick up from right at this moment. And right at this moment I am sitting as Paige and Elijah are taking a nice nap. Paige is now 2 1/2 years old. She is so full of life, energy and love. I just love listening to her talk, which she does constantly. She only stops when she's sleeping and eating (most of the time ;). Elijah is now 16 months old. He is running all over, climbing and being such a little boy. Everything he does is so boy, and I love to watch him explore and learn and have such joy over all the things he discovers. Patrick is doing great, working hard and looking good, as always. And me, well... I am 15 weeks pregnant. That's right, we're pregnant!!! YAY!!! This may sound crazy to some of you who know that this will be my 4th pregnancy in 3 years, but we are thrilled. In fact, I did the math and realized that out of the past 39 months I have been pregnant a total of 26 months. Wow! This sweet precious baby is due in late August, right around Paige's birthday. So, we will have a newly turned 3 year old, 22 month old and a newborn at the end of the summer, Lord willing. It will be a lot of work, and a lot of fun. I am so excited for this baby. I have already started getting excited as I envision being in the hospital holding this precious gift. I think I am even more excited after losing Sprout and the events of the past 6 months. I realize what a gift this baby is and how preciously fragile life truly is. I am so thankful to thus far have had a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, and the kids are so excited. They ask about the baby every day and rub my tummy to say hi to him/her. I even felt the baby move (you know, those butterfly feelings) for the first time last week. God is truly good, and we are trusting Him with this baby and with all of the provision we will need to get through this season. So, that's our update. In the coming weeks/ months I will be sharing a lot more exciting news, but for now we are rejoicing in the gift of our little Tater Tot Murphy. Praise God!!

The Worst (Best) Summer of My Life

"I think we have lost the old knowledge that happiness is overrated - that, in a way, life is overrated. We have lost, somehow a sense of mystery - about us, our purpose, our meaning, our role. Our ancestors believed in 2 worlds, and understood this to be the solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short one. We are the first generations of man that actually expected to find happiness here on earth, and our search for it caused such - unhappiness. The reason: if you don't believe in another, higher world, if you believe only in the flat material world around you, if you believe that this is your only chance at happiness - if that is what you believe, then you are not disappointed when the world does not give you a good measure of its riches - you are despairing." - Peggy Noonan

This has been the worst summer of my life. That is quite a statement for me to make, I mean I really hate throwing around words like best and worst. I know that it could always be worse than it is and that so many more people have things much harder than I to deal with. But for me, this statement is true. I don't know that it will be the worst summer of my life in 30 years, but up 'til now it reigns supreme. Losing the baby was awful. It was so much harder than I imagined it could be in so many different ways, and yet it was not nearly as hard as I had imagined in other ways. Ya know? I am still going to the doctor every week, or every other week to have my HCG levels checked because I am not yet back to zero. I have to pay for every single test, every single week. I also am not exactly healthy yet since the miscarriage. Beyond losing my baby, there have been a myriad of other nice little problems that have reared their ugly head. The bills from the hospital that keep coming in (who knew seeing a PA for not quite 30 minutes could cost so much money?), the kids testing boundaries and deciding that screaming is the best form of communication and attacks on my marriage the likes of which I never thought possible. Wow! If this world was supposed to be the place I found my happiness I would sure be despairing right about now. But I am so thankful that it is not. I am so thankful that I know I don't belong here. How did C.S. Lewis put it- we're living in "enemy-occupied territory"? And it feels like that enemy has built his base on my front lawn! But in the midst of the darkness, the pain and the grief I have - joy. What? Joy? Does that even make sense? No, it doesn't. Though it may not always show, and though I am hurting and grieving and struggling with all of the pain from all of the blows the enemy is throwing at me and my family, underneath it all I have peace and joy. I know that I know that I know that God loves me. I know that He has a plan for me. And I know that He has called me His own, His child, His heir, His beloved. And because He has called me He will work all of this together for my good. We often think that belonging to Him is some sort of security policy - I'll follow God and be a good person and nothing bad will ever happen to me; He'll look out for me and protect me because I am such an asset to Him; He doesn't let bad things happen to good people. I guess we've never really read and understood the Bible then, or we've believed others words over the Lord's because the Bible says the exact opposite of that. Ever heard of Job? He was faithful to God, a good man - so much so that God was bragging about him. He endured so much pain and all just to test his loyalty. What about David, the man after God's own heart? - He hid in caves avoiding death for years, lost his wife and his best friend before he was able to take hold of his God-given throne. Paul - stoned, beaten, ship-wrecked, starved - all after he chose to follow Christ. The list goes on and on, topped with Jesus, God's own son. Jesus told us that in this world we will have trouble, not might but will. But to take heart, for He has overcome the world. But our hope is not in this world. Our lives don't end when we stop breathing, in fact, they are truly just beginning. So as I take stock of my worst summer I am grateful. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to get pregnant and the knowledge that He has my baby in Heaven. So many women lose a child or abort their baby thinking that it is the end, and there is nothing to look forward to. How hard to have to say a permanent goodbye with no hope. I am grateful that my children are healthy and strong-willed. Even though it is hard to train and teach them, it is how God made them and part of what makes them special, and part of what they will need to accomplish the plans and purposes He has called them to. Although the bills are high, they could be much higher. I could have had to stay in the hospital for weeks, and Patrick could be unemployed so we would have no way of paying for them. Although it is hard to go back each week, each time I am greeted by a wonderful staff whom I trust and the news is better each time. And though my marriage has been hit hard by the enemy, we are growing closer because of it. We are turning toward each other and toward God as a couple in a way that we never have before. I believe with all of my heart that this awful summer is going to be one of the biggest blessings we have ever received. God allows us to go through these things and we can respond one of 2 ways - turn to Him, or away from Him. He will be glorified with or without us. The men of faith I mentioned earlier all chose to follow God in the hard times, and all of them received a far greater reward for their faithfulness than the pain that they endured. We can choose to praise Him though we don't understand, or we can go our own way and look for answers in other places. But let me save you some searching - He is the only way to peace. He is the only freedom. Every other way offers you some joy or peace or escape, but it really just ensnares you with a taste of those things, followed by a lifetime of bondage. We all have our struggles, and maybe you read my problems and laugh because they are nothing compared to yours. But God is big enough for the biggest problems and small enough to care about the littlest annoyances. He wants them all. He wants all of me. He wants all of you. So as I look back on this summer and see the hand of God in it all, I may have to change my opening statement - this may just be the best summer of my life.