San Antonio!

We went to San Antonio for a quick weekend trip to visit some of Patrick's family. We were able to celebrate with Grandpa Dex, Lita and Aunt Eliana for all of their birthdays. On Saturday we went to a kiddie park that has been there since 1925, and Paige got to ride all of the rides. It was so fun watching her. Our kids are quite the travelers. Paige has been to 7 states, and Elijah has already been to 4. They did awesome on the 5 hour drive, and Paige had no accidents! She is officially potty-trained, yahoo!!! Elijah was a little cuddle-bug, loving on everyone. It was a great quick trip and Elijah was able to meet his uncle Alex. I thought we would share some of the cute pics - I mean, how could I not share? These kids are WAY too cute not to share!

Falling on the Anvil

The Hammer and the Anvil

Last eve I passed a blacksmith's door

And heard the anvil ring the vesper chime;

When looking in, I saw upon the floor

Old hammers worn with beating years of time.

"How many anvils have you had," said I,

"To wear and batter all the hammers so?"

"Just one," said he, then said with twinkling eye;

"The anvil wears the hammers out you know."

And so, I thought, the anvil of God's Word

For ages skeptics blows have beat upon;

Yet, though the noise of falling blows was heard,

The anvil is unharmed - the hammers gone!

- John Clifford -

Today is the National Day of Prayer. In fact, there is a very great possibility that today is the very last National Day of Prayer. In the past few weeks many historic events have occurred surrounding this day. A judge ruled that this celebration of prayer is unconstitutional. I heard a news broadcaster on the radio this morning sharing this story, and added that until all of the appeals are done "we can still pray." He meant it as a comfort to those who would miss this day, and that perhaps we could still participate in this national observance. But I was taken aback at his word choice - that right now it is still legal for us to pray, as if one day it could not be. Also, the Pentagon rescinded its invitation to Franklin Graham to speak at their observance of today because they said that he was too one-way in his thinking. They felt that his belief that Jesus was the only way to Heaven was biased and might offend some people. Also, he dares think that Jesus saves, and that Islam is not the way to God. My friends, the enemy is on the move. He is alive and well, using his lies, maneuvers and manipulations to subvert the Word of God, scare His children into hiding, and cause so many to compromise the Truth. We are living in a time when telling someone the Truth in love is considered hate speech, when sharing the love of God is called bias and following Him will cause you to lose friends, jobs, family and maybe even your life. But we are not the first to experience these things. In fact, we are called to experience these things. Jesus told us that if we followed Him, the world would hate us as they hate Him. Going through persecution is not new. Every single disciple, with the exception of John, was killed for their devotion to Jesus and for preaching His Word. (A side note - John did not escape persecution, just death from it. He was exposed to all kinds of insults, injuries, exile and many other things). We in America have enjoyed a life of leisure and luxury when it comes to our freedom of religion and freedom of speech. We have been free to think, say and worship whomever we choose in whatever way we choose. There are churches on almost every corner in some areas, in a variety of denominations with different music, Bible translations, baptism styles, etc. You can attend the church/synagogue/temple/mosque of your choice, or none at all (most seem to choose the latter). We have taken this for granted. Around the world Christians are beaten, stoned, burned alive, arrested, harassed, exiled, spit upon, and killed for their devotion to Christ. In China, people meet in homes in secret, at the threat of jail, torture and detriment to their families, livelihood and bodies, to read the Bible, fellowship with other believers and worship the one true God. When I visited Cuba we attended a church that is technically illegal. The members took every opportunity to be together - nearly every night they shared their food, prayed and laughed together, while outside the policia walk the streets carrying machine guns, ready to harass them. They worship God with such abandon, and depend on Him to provide their every need - from a home, to food, to medicine, healing and protection. We do not understand such a life. We cannot comprehend a time when speaking the name of Jesus is illegal, and reading the Bible can have you thrown in jail. But that day is coming. I don't know if it will come in my lifetime, next year, or a hundred years, but it will come. When it does, I will have to have already established who I serve and to Whom a belong. Today, I pray for this nation that God has chose to bless so much. But more than that I pray for the believers throughout the world that are suffering for their faith. I'm praying for the people that have laid it all on the line for Jesus, and that I would have a faith like that. I want to be willing to live sold-out for Him in whatever way that means - living in a different town, living on less, serving, forgiving those who hate me, or even unto death. I want to be willing to give whatever He would ask of me with joy because I know that the only real life worth living is the one that is surrendered to Him. So today I join thousands, maybe even millions, of believers in praying, but I pray that we would be on our knees before the Father not just today but everyday, earnestly seeking Him and living a life that is fully surrendered to His Will. The world will not like it, but just like those hammers in the poem I started with, they will fall away. Only the Lord will remain. I know how the story ends, and I want to make sure that I am standing on the side of my Lord.

Raw

I feel raw right now. I feel like all of my emotions are right under the surface. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel so many things right now. No, I am not pregnant. No, I'm not emotional. It's a culmination of so many things going on right now. Four years ago, just before Patrick and I got married, God took me through it. He pulled everything in my life that I counted on away from me. Over the course of a year, He fundamentally changed every aspect of my life, and stripped away all the safety nets I had erected. I remember praying about all of these changes one night at church and the Lord giving me a picture of an onion whose layers were being peeled away one at a time. He said that this was me - He was systematically peeling away all of the layers around my heart so that nothing would be between Him and me. After a year of this, I finally felt so overwhelmed. It was a hard process. I cried out to God and said I could take no more. He said that He was done peeling away, and that now He would restore things to me in His way and replace my distractions with Him. I foolishly thought that this would happen overnight. When it was taking months, I went to the Lord again and asked Him why it was taking so long to restore me. (Impatient much?) He answered that He was going to restore me through my marriage. I was a few weeks from my wedding day and thought that my honeymoon was going to be even better than expected. Beyond a new life, a new name, new home, and new (ahem) experiences ;) I would be getting my heart restored. Again, so impatient. God did not mean that it would happen at my wedding, or on my honeymoon, or even in the first year. He meant that over time, over a lifetime, He would be restoring me rightly to Himself, and that my marriage would be the primary place He would do that. I also thought that this would be a spectator sport for me - I would just sit back and see God doing things on my behalf and blessing my marriage and subsequently me. And while at times this was true, overall God was using my marriage to expose my sin and my wrong attitudes. Now I am at the crossroads of choice. Do I choose to go the way I've been going, or turn another way? Do I do what is easy, natural and familiar, or do I begin the hard work of relearning life, reviewing my actions and motives, and looking at everything differently? I have slowly been making the latter choice. It's hard, a daily struggle to choose the hard road, which in the end is the easy road. Doing things God's way means being thought weird, unpopular, hated, ridiculed and often going it alone. But it also means freedom, joy, peace and a knowledge that God is using all of it for my good and His glory. This was not always the case. I kind of checked out for a few years. I kept reading the Word, praying and trusting the Lord, but I did not seek for Him to change me. I would say I wanted Him to change me, but I feared what that would entail and in my heart I would wish He would just leave me alone. I thought if I did the right things, said the right things, and acted the right way God would bless me and give me all the things I needed and wanted. Over those checked out years I dealt with depression, loneliness, and a feeling of being far from God in my heart. I felt lost, and truly I was. I was looking outwardly and inwardly, instead of looking up. I thought I could figure it out for myself, as long as I consulted God. But God wanted much more than that. He wanted me to make Him the basis and foundation for ALL of my decisions, from what I ate to what I watched, wore, bought, said, thought, read - you name it, He wanted a say. Instead of being a consultant He wanted to be the decision-maker. And after years of fighting, I have finally relinquished. I have allowed Him in, all the way in. This is a day to day, moment to moment decision. It's scary and exciting and freeing and hard. And this is why I feel so raw. My exposed heart is now being steered by the Lord, and He is causing me to see sin and people and everything in a whole new way - His way. I now have much more compassion for the sinners, and much more hate for the sin that separates them from their loving God. I see things so much more as black and white, and thus my decisions are much easier to make. But they are often more difficult to execute. It's easy to know what I need to do, it's difficult to step out and do it. So I am raw with emotion, on the cusp of a new life God is calling me too. What will that entail? I have no idea! I don't know what changes He'll make, or what things will remain, and while this would have scared the living daylights out of old scheduled, planner me, I'm choosing to be excited about this. I'm choosing to look ahead with hope, though the world looks bleak. I'm choosing to be joyful, though all the circumstances tell me to fear. And I'm choosing to get ready for a fight. All of the things God has done and shown me in the past few years have confirmed to me that this life is a fight, and I need to take up my sword and get in the battle. Being raw and exposed is not only something the Lord wants, but also something the enemy wants. He wants to take advantage of me being exposed and lead me down a wrong path. He wants to manipulate situations and emotions and draw me away from the Lord. So I need to be ready to fight for the things God is calling me to, and the things He is giving me. I need to fight for my family, for my marriage, for my relationship with Him, for the future and purpose He has called me to, and against the sin of this world. This is not the time to rest, this is the time to stand up and fight for my restoration and for my life in Him. I am reading Judges with my Bible study and I was struck by chapter 3 verses 1&2 -

"These are the nations the Lord left to test all those Israelites who had not experienced any of the wars in Canaan (He did this only to teach warfare to the descendants of the Israelites who had not previous battle experience)..."

Why did they need battle experience? Because they would face future wars. They needed to be tested in the battles so that they would win in the war. This time of being raw before the Lord, and ripe for battle is to get me ready for the war that's coming. So instead of fighting with God over why I have to fight at all, or opting to sit out, I am picking up my sword and falling in line. I'm going to feel all the emotions (not run from them or "medicate" myself with distractions), and make the hard choices, and be open to what God is calling me too in every aspect of my life. I'm excited to see where He's leading, and what He's calling me and my family to, and all the changes that will occur. Who knows, maybe this time next year I won't recognize myself :).